People in Magic

So you have the SCG article on women in Magic:
http://www.starcitygames.com/article/31023_Women-In-Magic-the-Gathering.html

And then you have the SCG article on women and Magic:
https://www.reddit.com/r/magicTCG/comments/3afy87/women_and_magic_by_jim_davis/

One article was written by a woman, and tries to explain her points on the subject.  The other was written by a man, and almost seems like a response to the first article.

And shit storm insues...

After reading the tweets from so many Magic content creators, on how horrified they are about what is going on, and the support to @MTACast, I really wanted to find out what the hell was going on. So I head to Reddit, and I find the most responded to post.

Outrage this, and horrible that, and "I don't know what is offensive" comments.

Finally I was able to find the link to the archived article (Star City Games pulled the second article written by a man) and read it.  My first impression of the article was that it was poorly written, and did not really get any point across.  That it did not prove or disprove anything except for make some comments on how women and men are different.  It was more of a statement that Magic is played by men, and the women that want to play it need to earn their place at the table.  Followed by, they are strong enough to do it and they have the writers support.

I do have to say that I also read the first article, which was pretty well thought out.  It was more of a state of play in the Magic community for the women who also play the game.  It took every attempt at not trying to offend the men reading it.  I was not offended, and frankly I wish she would have spoken some points more strongly and with more emotion.  I feel if she did, she would have still made her point and allowed it to come out as more important.

But that is just it.  That is the big fucking problem.

In "Women in Magic" the writer is going above and beyond to try and not come off like she is trying to tell men what to do, but rather suggest that it might make a more comfortable play environment if some things were to change.  Working very hard at not pointing a finger at anyone person.  She was also trying to speak to other women in the community on what they can do to better the Magic community for women.

In "Women and Magic" the writer seems like he is just arguing the "Women in Magic" article.  Now, why did he feel the need to argue the article, I am not sure.

I find a lot in common with "Women in Magic" and how she must feel at times.  I am a man, and I work in IT, but my mother is from South Korea.  So I am what some would say a mixed race person. I tend to just call myself a United States Citizen, but that is another story.  Working in IT, surrounded by men and their own issues in trying to fit into a man's work place is tiresome.  There is a constant struggle for that Alpha dog, and more so the struggle not to be perceived as the Omega dog.

I fight comments all day long, from slight racist things about latino, to black, to asian.  Or the constant sexual comments on women that work in the building.  Or the "Are you with me" statements on all types of subjects.

In one situation at my work, where I think this fits in with the "Women and Magic" article.  Now my ethnic background is only half asian, so I look mostly caucasian, and people usually never know I have an asian heritage.  There is this guy at work, and every time I go to get chinese food for lunch he makes the comment about them serving dog meat for food, or you never know what you are eating. And normally I would just laugh it off, and be on my merry way.  But deep down, those comments would stay with me for days.  To this day everytime I go out to eat for lunch and get chinese food I think of his comments.  I would be working just fine, and those comments would pop into my head, and I would wonder to myself why I can't just tell this guy that it is offensive and ask him to stop. Why am I just laughing it off when it literally lives with me, and I am losing sleep.

I would also like to add that this is a guy that I do like to spend time with outside of work.  I invited him to my wedding, and we have done multiple things besides work together.  And it is not that I think he is a bad person, but he is just a jerk sometimes.  I would like to say typical male, but that is so obtuse I find it funny even trying to write it.

So one day, I go and get my chinese food and I am eating it at my desk and he comes over and makes his same old comments.  But this time I attempt to collect myself and say to him, "You know I am half Korean.  My cousin, my aunts, and my nieces are asian.  Now I am pretty sure that we have never cooked up a dog and ate it before, and what you are saying is highly offensive.  So just stop saying that to me because it is not funny anymore.  One joke is ok, maybe two, but just stop it with your comments."

And the pure shock I saw in his face.  He responded with, "Well my mom used to be a inspector and you never know what they do in those places."

He has never said those comments to me again, but they still live deep inside my thoughts, and to this day they still affect me.

Now, what the hell does that story even mean with this whole conversation?  It is on multiple levels of explanation that I am trying to convey the basis of multiple points of view.

1. I was offended.
2. Needing to be accepted in the group is a strong requirement as humans.
3. He would never know that I was offended unless I told him I was offended.
4. The uncomfortableness of having to tell someone I am offended is terrifying.
5. Since I am the offended one, his comments will always be with me no matter how hard I try to forget them.
6. The want of having this type of offence in my everyday life.
7. Once I did tell him it offended me, he most likely felt some embarrassment, but still needed to lash out a little bit.

I can see the same story ring out in these two articles.  Everyday people walk around and try to enjoy the things they like.  We all try and fit in a community that we love, where we want to belong.  But everyone has a point of view, and they all differ from own points of view.  When someone is offended, it stays with that person and affects their life to no end.  They live with those feelings long after the offense.  And to come out and say stop if a very hard thing to do, because there is always a lash back out of embarrassment or hate or fear.  To the person that is speaking out against the offensive words, they never know what type of response they are going to get, but they always get one and just hope it is one of understanding.

More often than not, the backlash response is one of confrontation.  From that fear of not wanting to be the Omega dog.  That initial response is always going to be an attack, because that is how you are strong.  And we always move towards the strongest branch.

More often than not, the backlash response is one of hurt.  Weather it is empathy from the pain caused, or the sadness from causing someone that pain.

Within this Magic the Gathering community, you would think that acceptance would be more visible, and it would be easier to feel empathy towards someone else's pain.  I know a lot of people who play this game, have social awkwardness issues and have felt the same comments from other people.  So you would think there would be a different response in most of these cases.

But children are not born racists, and most of our reactions are learned from how people treat us. And the only thing I can really say is stand up for yourself no matter what the response might be.  And if someone tells you that you are being offensive, don't be afraid of being the Omega dog for a short time in order to make the other person feel ok in the community.

And for fuck sake, stop thinking that being understanding is weak, and know it is strong.  It takes a strong person to be understanding and accepting of your own mistakes.  Be happy that the offended person is strong enough to tell you they are offended, and be just as strong to accept it and change your behavior.

In all honesty, the Women and Magic should have never been written.  And sadly the Women in Magic still has to be written over and over, and I just hope for the day that we don't have to write these types of articles.

Just strive to be strong enough to be a good person.

*****

In my work place scenario, when I confronted him, he reacted with shock and a slight retort to justify why he was thinking the way he was.  Almost to justify his initial jokes, but in the end he has never made those comments again.  He still might think the way he does, but he now knows how I feel about his banter and will no longer engage me in that same manner.  Do I think I won?  Do I think I am better than him?  Not more then I think he thinks he won when he was joking with me.  It is not about winning, but understanding and respect.

In my experiences with other men, there is this constant banter between each other.  I find it very uncomfortable, so I try and not engage in it.  I am also an over sensitive person, and find myself taking offence more than not, so I just try and stay out of that game.  But I find it very enjoyable to do with my wife, because if there is at any point a misunderstanding of intent while playfully joking with each other, we pull it back and verify that we are just playing.

I find that with other men, it is more of a battle for Alpha dog in their own mind.  I for one, just try and stay away from it, but I can see how others can get caught up in it.  With my wife, we have a fail safe, and we trust each other enough to pull if back and verify.  With others, you might not do that and get drawn into the game.  Lets be clear, this is a man's game and I even see it in our 4 male cats.  It looks like a fight, but really it is to test to see where you sit on the ladder.  And lets be clear, my wife is always the Alpha dog, and we like it like that.

But in any scene with a bunch of guys that kind of know each other, but not completely know each other, they are constantly trying to one up each other.  With knowledge or jokes or banter, and lets be serious, it is offensive at most times.  And lets be serious again, if there is a woman near it gets almost "Mate Calling-ish".  As boys, we really don't get the understanding that women don't really want to hear that type of language, because really who wants to get impressed upon while trying to play a competitive game?

I guess I am only saying this stuff, not to say it should be considered ok, but more of a message to the other guys.  Instead of taking what people are suggesting as changes in the community as attacks, maybe we should consider them as true requests, and respect their wishes.

I find that with men it is about respect.  And a man, wants to be respected above anything else.  They don't want to be considered the Omega dog (what ever that might mean in their head).

I find that with women it is about caring.  They know that if others treat them with kindness then they care about them, and how they feel.

Where it gets all out of whack, a man will do the banter game with a woman they respect or with a woman they are trying to find out where on the ladder they sit, but in that banter game the woman will think the man does not care about them, and then get hurt.  When the woman gets hurt, the man feels like he must respond with an attack because feeling empathy for the woman would be considered Omega dog-ish, and she would not longer respect him.

And here is where the man thinks, be strong enough to play this game with a bunch of men.  We do what we do because we do it, and if you dont like it, get out.  Stop trying to change me...

This is where I think it is all wrong, and I go back to my work place.  Since I work with a bunch of guys, so I really want to keep trying to keep up with all that guy bullshit, all day long?  Seriously I would not get any work done.  But I have heard the same thing from other women who work in an all female work place.  Just the pure Catty-ness about it.

And really, this is where it all gets tied back to the article "Women in Magic".  It is not about playing the game of Magic in a man's world, but it is not about playing it in a woman's world either.  It is about finding that awesome middle ground, that everyone loves in this world.  Where both men and woman can feel safe entering, and just play a game called Magic: the Gathering, and not worry about all that other bullshit.  I believe that all she is trying to do is swing that door a bit more to the center, pointing out ways that it can be accomplished.

To tell you the truth I want more women playing Magic, because I have found that it forces that nice balance I have grown to love.  Because seriously, I hate the man games.